1- Sir, aren't you supposed to be out front parking cars! It can't be break time already.
2-. And here I thought alcoholics were supposed to be anonymous. 3- Why don't you lean up against that wall, it's plastered too. 4- Sir, I'm glad to see you wearing men's clothes this time 5- (If I have a vent dummy) the dummy says, " Where's his ventriloquist?"
Dropped deck of cards: Hmm, there must be a hole in my hand.
Single dropped card: 1) Was this your card? 2) Stupid gravity. 3) MAN DOWN!!!!! *Dives after the card*
Any effect dropped: 1) (best Donald Trump voice, point) You're fired! 1) just say "im sorry the real magican will be here shortly"
Trick gone wrong: 1) it doesn't look half bad from my side. 2) Now, see this is what magicians call "Misdirection". While I'm in here messing up this trick, my assistant is sneaking an elephant into the next room. Go ahead, check! *Runs away* 3) whata expect I got it from MAGIC FOR DUMMIES...
When nobody laughs at a joke: 1) I'll have a funeral for that joke tomorrow at noon. 2) What is this: an audience or an oil painting/jury?
Random jokes: 1) this trick is performed in front of a live audience. You'll have to wait until they get here. 2) My fingers never leave my hand. 3) How many people have never seen me before? Okay, now how many people are seeing me for the first time? 4) So, where are you from? "New Jersey." Im sorry? "New Jersey." No, I heard you, I'm just sorry. 5) Any 10-year-old with 15 years of practice can do this trick. 6) One time I accidentally cut off a boy's ear. I said sorry, but I don't think he heard me.
Heckler stoppers: 1) you are really great, man! You should be on a stage! There's one leaving in 10 minutes. 2) You have a striking face. How many times were you struck there? 3) You've got lovely hair - coming out of your nostrils!
"Well if it was that easy anyone could do it"
-"Its that the first time that’s every happened, I swear"
-"It doesn’t look as bad from my side"
-"darn, I knew I should have sacrificed that duck before the show"
-look them right in the eye as if this makes perfect sense with what your doing and say "Did you know the alphabet has 26 letters in it? Anyway moving on" or "I have 2 ducks that mate with each other. Anyway moving on"
Just look down at the cards on the floor and, softly yet in an exaggerated manner, begin to weep.
"Now I gotta stack them all over again!" ~ Michael Matson
"Needs work..." ~ Used by others
"I can't work under these conditions!" ~ Used by others
"I forgot! They're ticklish!" ~ Michael Matson
"Bless you! Poor babies got a cold." ~ Michael Matson (Talking to the deck)
"I'm sorry, they haven't been themselves since... the accident. We don't like to talk about it."
~ Michael Matson
"I gotta get a real job." ~ Used by countless others
"Clean Up! Aisle 5!" ~ Michael Matson
"And you thought I wasn't going to be entertaining." ~ Michael Matson
"Someone will be along shortly to clean that up. That's why we have unions." ~ Inspired by David Williamson
"You didn't really want to meet THOSE cards anyway. They're the outcasts. The deck is better off without them." ~ Michael Matson. This line is delivered in a hushed tone.
"I'm not as gifted/skilled as the real magicians." ~ Inspired by David Williamson
"I'll level with you. I'm not really a magician, I'm just filling in for the other guy, but he's in jail right now so you're much better off with me." ~ Michael Matson
"Phew.. they're a lot heavier than I remember." ~ Michael Matson
"About time you lost some weight!" ~ Michael Matson (Talking to the deck)
"Aren't you glad I'm not a surgeon?" ~ Michael Matson
"Nobody panic! I know just what to do!" ~ Michael Matson At this point, I act like I'm calling someone on my cellphone and, in an exaggerated near crying tone, I say, "Mom, it happened again!"
"I'm just going to use those to mark where the lighting is good!" ~ Saw a similar line at t the magic cafe website.
"If I don't do that every 15 minutes, I can't find my way home at the end of the night." ~ Michael Matson
"That would have never happened if I were using a trick deck." ~ Michael Matson
"Now the host is going to beat me! Don't tell him!" ~ Michael Matson
"Bad Cards!" (Begin slapping the deck) "Who's your daddy?" ~ Used by others
"I'm too young & cute for this kind of stress!" ~ Michael Matson
"It's not just the ladies that fall for me." ~ Michael Matson
"Whoa... earthquake. About a .3 - you probably didn't feel it because it's so subtle, but I'm just a sensitive guy." ~ Michael Matson
"My magic is so good even the cards worship at my feet." ~ Michael Matson
"I meant to do that... much, much later in the show." ~ Michael Matson
"Where were you on that one? You were supposed to catch them. You're fired!" ~ Michael Matson (Spoken to spectator in a comical manner)
"They're on strike! They think they have a good union, but they don't.They're practically slaves." ~ Futurama
"Narcolepsy! Sometimes they just FALL... asleep. Looks like I'm driving home tonight." ~ Michael Matson
"Come on guys don't bail out on me now! I need you guys! You're part of the team! Now, you get back in the game!" ~ Michael Matson (Talking to cards)
"Takes a true professional to drop the cards with such grace!" ~ Michael Matson
"Up Boys... Up! ... They're still in training." ~ Michael Matson
"Pull yourself together! We're professionals!" ~ Michael Matson
"Looks like the glue is wearing off." ~ Michael Matson
"I could have sworn I fixed that!" ~ Michael Matson (Pick up the cards and riffle the end of the deck so it appears as though you are winding and tightening them in place.)
"You should have told me you had to go before leaving the house!" ~ Michael Matson (Talking to the cards)
"When you gotta go, you gotta go." ~ Michael Matson. Obviously a well-known line that I use in this context.
"FREEDOM! Godspeed little buddies!" ~ Michael Matson
"I just want all of you to know... I'm not mad... I'm just very disappointed." ~ Michael Matson
Another well known line used in the context of talking to the fallen cards.I follow up by speaking to the audience, "I'm sorry you had to see that."
"Oh No! This is the worst 23 card pile-up I have ever seen! Everyone give them some air." ~ Michael Matson. If I decide to pick up the fallen cards, I bend down and give a playing card CPR to milk the laughs, then gather up the cards.
"AAAAHHHHH!!!! I'm sorry, but did you see the size of that spider on top of the deck?" ~ Michael Matson. Follow up with JimPace's Web trick!