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 Post subject: Just what the heck is a one liner.......
PostPosted: Fri Jul 20, 2007 1:47 pm 
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born to perform.

Joined: 06 Jul 2006
Posts: 1549
Location: In a galaxy somewhere in the vicinity of Betelguese 5
Okay comedy fans, here's your chance to be Henny Youngman, the father of great one-liners.

Post your favorites, and let's keep it simple.

The Rules:

1) No more than 5 one liners per post.
2) No quoting with "LOL" or "That's really funny" type of posts.
3) Nothing too dirty, there are kids here.

I'll start it off with one of my favorites from Steven Wright:

"I want to get a tattoo of myself over my whole body, only taller."


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Fri Jul 20, 2007 2:42 pm 
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born to perform.

Joined: 04 Jul 2004
Posts: 2107
Location: San Diego
"Sign your name just not bigger than the card." Card College 5

"All the cards are exactly the same... especially that one"-tommy wonder RIP

"watch watch... look... grunt... watch... look... *Gasp* grunt *cough* *cough*" David Blane


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Fri Jul 20, 2007 2:54 pm 
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Emperor Penguin

Joined: 24 Jun 2006
Posts: 6622
Location: Penguin's Most Feared Intellect
I deserve someone who likes me for who I am pretending to be. ~Arj Barker

My girlfriend found out I was messing around with this other chick; so she called my wife. ~Corey Holcomb

I was sleeping the other night; alone, thanks to the exterminator. ~Emo Phillips

I recently attended a pro-drug rally; in my basement. ~David Cross

You have to wait ten days to buy a gun in LA; I can't stay mad that long. ~Emo Phillips


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Fri Jul 20, 2007 3:14 pm 
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Penguin

Joined: 30 Sep 2006
Posts: 100
Rodney Dangerfield - king of one liners

1)A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home.

2)I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.

3)I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

4)I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

5)I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Fri Jul 20, 2007 11:18 pm 
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born to perform.

Joined: 29 Jun 2006
Posts: 1305
I would never be part of a club that would have me as a member. - Woody Allen


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sat Jul 21, 2007 11:13 am 
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Joined: 01 Jun 2006
Posts: 131
"Ku Klux Klan environmental program - keep the Arctic white" - Bill Bailey.


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sat Jul 21, 2007 3:02 pm 
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born to perform.

Joined: 19 Nov 2006
Posts: 2571
sean_mh wrote:
I would never be part of a club that would have me as a member. - Woody Allen


actually that was graucho marx


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sat Jul 21, 2007 3:04 pm 
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born to perform.

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Posts: 1305
daniel116 wrote:
sean_mh wrote:
I would never be part of a club that would have me as a member. - Woody Allen


actually that was graucho marx


Yes I know....redone by Woody Allen.


Sean


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sun Jul 22, 2007 7:26 pm 
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Joined: 03 Dec 2006
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Location: Parkville, MO
"Never put a sock in a toaster"- Stephen Wright

"I wonder who was the first person to look at a cow and say... I think I'll go squeeze those dangly things and drink whatever comes out"- Can't Remember

"My computer always beat me in chess... but it didn't stand a chance in kickboxing"- Emo Phillips

I'll edit this post when/if I remember some more.


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Mon Jul 23, 2007 9:10 am 
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born to perform.

Joined: 01 May 2005
Posts: 1630
Location: President of the Sluggo for U.S. President Committee
"One mind-reader said to the other, "You're fine, how am I?"

"I wanted to be a comedian when I grew up, but I was afraid everyone would laugh at me."

"You'll get every chance to see how it's not done." -Tommy Wonder

8)


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Mon Jul 23, 2007 12:45 pm 
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Penguin

Joined: 06 Jul 2007
Posts: 384
Location: Denver, CO
"Hey wanna see something I learned in prison?" Don't remember who.


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Mon Jul 23, 2007 1:30 pm 
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born to perform.

Joined: 26 Sep 2006
Posts: 3289
Location: The Shire
All by Jack Handey. I love his Deep Thoughts.

"The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face."

"Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick."

"You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea."

"The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw."

"Like jewels in a crown, the precious stones glistened in the queen's round metal hat."

I actually think some of these aren't that great compared to his other material, but they fit the "one-liner" genre.


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue Jul 24, 2007 2:18 am 
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born to perform.

Joined: 13 Aug 2005
Posts: 759
Location: Nor Cal.
(this is done on levitation effects) ok i will tell you the secret, you need an invisible hair, you know were you get one, from a bald guy.

hey since i raised this rabbit in my house, is it an ingrown hair?


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