Okay comedy fans, here's your chance to be Henny Youngman, the father of great one-liners.

Post your favorites, and let's keep it simple.

The Rules:

1) No more than 5 one liners per post.
2) No quoting with "LOL" or "That's really funny" type of posts.
3) Nothing too dirty, there are kids here.

I'll start it off with one of my favorites from Steven Wright:

"I want to get a tattoo of myself over my whole body, only taller."

"Sign your name just not bigger than the card." Card College 5

"All the cards are exactly the same... especially that one"-tommy wonder RIP

"watch watch... look... grunt... watch... look... *Gasp* grunt *cough* *cough*" David Blane

I deserve someone who likes me for who I am pretending to be. ~Arj Barker

My girlfriend found out I was messing around with this other chick; so she called my wife. ~Corey Holcomb

I was sleeping the other night; alone, thanks to the exterminator. ~Emo Phillips

I recently attended a pro-drug rally; in my basement. ~David Cross

You have to wait ten days to buy a gun in LA; I can't stay mad that long. ~Emo Phillips

Rodney Dangerfield - king of one liners

1)A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home.

2)I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.

3)I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

4)I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

5)I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

I would never be part of a club that would have me as a member. - Woody Allen

"Ku Klux Klan environmental program - keep the Arctic white" - Bill Bailey.

actually that was graucho marx

Yes I know....redone by Woody Allen.


Sean

"Never put a sock in a toaster"- Stephen Wright

"I wonder who was the first person to look at a cow and say... I think I'll go squeeze those dangly things and drink whatever comes out"- Can't Remember

"My computer always beat me in chess... but it didn't stand a chance in kickboxing"- Emo Phillips

I'll edit this post when/if I remember some more.

"One mind-reader said to the other, "You're fine, how am I?"

"I wanted to be a comedian when I grew up, but I was afraid everyone would laugh at me."

"You'll get every chance to see how it's not done." -Tommy Wonder

"Hey wanna see something I learned in prison?" Don't remember who.

All by Jack Handey. I love his Deep Thoughts.

"The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face."

"Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick."

"You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea."

"The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw."

"Like jewels in a crown, the precious stones glistened in the queen's round metal hat."

I actually think some of these aren't that great compared to his other material, but they fit the "one-liner" genre.

(this is done on levitation effects) ok i will tell you the secret, you need an invisible hair, you know were you get one, from a bald guy.

hey since i raised this rabbit in my house, is it an ingrown hair?