There are so many threads with one-liners, how 'bout some shorties to throw in to or between routines.

I opened up a new restaurant on Mars.
The revues said the food was great but that it lacked atmosphere.

While staying at a hotel a maid stopped by my room and asked if she could clean up a bit.
I said, “Sure, that would be nice.”
So then she took a shower and left.

A french-fry walks into a bar and asks the bartender "Hey, could I get a beer please?"
The bartender shakes his head and says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here."

Use this one as an intro to an effect when you are going to start with or produce a specific card. Adjust accordingly;

A blackjack dealer and a player with a thirteen count in his hand were arguing about whether or not it was appropriate to tip the dealer.

The player said, "When I get bad cards, it's not the dealers fault. Accordingly, when I get good cards, the dealer obviously had nothing to do with it so why should I tip him?"
The dealer said, "When you eat out do you tip the waiter?" "Yes." "Well then, he serves you food, I'm serving you cards so you should tip me."
"OK, but, the waiter gives me what I ask for...I'll take an eight.", says the player.

A Bum Asks a Man for $2;
The man says, "Will you buy booze?" The bum says, "No." The man says, "Will you gamble it away?" The bum says, "No." So the man says, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"

I think I may have a gambling problem...
I recently began to help my son with his math by teaching him to count cards.

Haha I like em'

No matter how good of a deal it sounds, never buy a box of used priest collars.

Thanks for sharing, the one with the blackjack is great.

"Ya'know what I hate? When you wake up and you don't know the girls name, you don't know where she came from, you don't know how she died." -Bill Malone

lol